Bad Therapy: How Therapy Culture Hurts Parents and Children

3 minute read

My profession has a lot to answer for. Back in the 1930’s psychologists advised parents not to display physical affection toward their children and recommended, at most, a handshake at night. I suspect that advice was widely ignored. What wasn’t ignored was the belief that psychiatric problems could be resolved by frontal lobotomies: tens of thousands of people had their lives ruined, including the sister of President John Kennedy. The mental health profession does not have a good track record.

Today, a dangerous way of thinking about parenting has emanated from the therapy room, permeated western society and become part of the fabric of the culture. Parents are more devoted to raising well adjusted children than ever before, and yet rates of self harm, depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation are higher than ever. The harder we try, it seems, the worse the outcome.

Thanks to a new book called “Bad Therapy: Why The Kids Aren’t Growing Up” by Abigail Shirer, the latest ‘wisdom’ on child rearing has been exposed. It shows how our beliefs about the right way to parent are not only not alleviating distress in our kids, it’s actually causing that distress. Here are some of the beliefs that are most pernicious.

Your Child Should Want To Confide In You

It’s an unspoken expectation that when a child is upset, the first person they should want to talk to is their parent. What could be more reasonable than this? Wouldn’t you want to know if you child is being bullied, or is tempted to try illegal drugs, or is feeling anxious? But consider what do you have to do in order to ensure that your child feels comfortable telling you anything. You’d better be very gentle and accepting regardless of how badly they’ve behaved. Don’t lose your temper or you’ll scare them off, no matter how irritating they are, or how outrageous their behavior. Punishment should be avoided if possible because it will make them angry at you. No matter how tired or stressed you are, you have to be willing to listen to them or you’ll give them the impression that you don’t care. If you do all these things, yes, your child will have someone they can always turn to. The cost, however, is that they push you around. How can you be a respected authority figure if you also feel you have to be your child’s best friend? Children don’t do well when they don’t feel their parents are in control. Parents don’t do well either — it’s hard to like a child when they get to behave in any which way and you have to watch your every step for fear of damaging your relationship with them.

Children Need To Be Shielded From Trauma

The Freudian idea that all problems in adulthood can be traced back to bad things that have happened in childhood has embedded itself in society. Therefore a good parent must ensure that bad things don’t happen to their child, and if — God forbid — something does happen, it must be fixed as quickly as possible. A child well shielded from trauma is a child that will be happy and well adjusted. Parents become hypersensitive to anything that causes their child distress, or might cause them to feel unimportant, inadequate or unloved. Punishment must be gently and lovingly applied, along with careful explanations of why the child’s behavior was wrong, otherwise children will fear and hate their parents. Children shouldn’t be ignored for fear of hurting their self esteem. Conflicts with their peers require adult help to resolve to avoid the trauma of broken relationships. Unfortunately, the message this delivers to children is “You are weak, vulnerable and unable to solve your own problems. And your parents aren’t in charge because they beg you to behave rather than make you behave.”

Feelings Are Paramount

In the distant past, feelings were unimportant. Now the psychology profession has made feelings the central concern. If a child feels “unsafe”, their feelings are valid and attention must be paid regardless of how benign the situation was. At the beginning of a school day, children may be encouraged to take a moment to focus on their feelings, rather than to put feelings aside and focus on the task at hand, which is to learn. (Such mental health education seems to be damaging, not helpful.) Emotional suffering is rewarded with attention not only from adults, as teenagers compare their psychological diagnoses and ‘trauma-bond’, thus encouraging the magnification of problems. What message do we send when we tell children that everything negative they feel is valid, important and will get them lots of attention? Not a useful one, for sure.

Diagnoses and Labels Are Helpful

Kids go through stages, and in most cases, negative behavior and emotions disappear or moderate over time. But when we get a diagnosis, our child is labelled forever. And children who are labelled tend to live up to that label. A passing fear of germs becomes OCD, and a high level of energy becomes that old standby, ADHD. Sadness or anxiety become Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The label becomes part of the child’s identity, and the behavior or emotions much more sticky than if they were seen as growing pains. Accommodations are made for the child at school which makes them feel even more defective, and gives them the message that they can’t succeed without these accommodations. 

Ms. Shirer’s book is of course controversial. Challenging conventional wisdom always is. But conventional wisdom has got us to the point where the mental health of young people is worse than ever, and the prescriptions of psychiatric medication at an all time high. So perhaps it’s time to reevaluate the definition of good parenting.